What not to say

I read this post here about things not to say to an autism parent. Here's MY list (in no particular order):

1. Autism is [or isn't] caused by _______. (The truth is NO one knows really what causes or triggers autism. There's so many varying kinds of autism- no two kids are exactly the same on the spectrum and/ or when the symptoms started).

2. I understand. (The truth is, unless you have a kid with special needs [or work REGULARLY with them], you probably don't get it. And even then differing special needs have differing needs, autism has its own needs again with each kid being a little different).

3. She just needs to apply herself more or she can't do that. Let my child say what she can and cannot do. She'll let you know.

4. Like Rainman? [My internal response: No, not like freaking Rainman.]

5. God knew you could handle this.

6. You really need to control your child.

7. Are you sure she has autism?

8. You should try ________ (therapy, medication, etc).

9. It doesn't matter if she's learning as long as she's happy (this is one from her teacher who I wanted to punch right in the taco).

10. If you had faith in god, autism would go away.

11. It's just a phase. [Internal response: this is one freaking long phase].

12. Aren't you worried that one of your other kids could someday exhibit autism?

13. She just needs to be medicated.

14. How dare you medicate her!

15. You just don't know how to discipline your child.

16. Could you take your child out? She's disturbing everyone.

17. If you thought she could have a meltdown, why did you bring her?

18. She should be in a special class.

19. She's too smart to be autistic.

20. Why isn't she doing ______ yet?

21. Oh she has autism. That must be so hard on you. [No shit, Sherlock.].

22. She just needs a good spanking.

23. Girls don't have autism.

24. Why do you have so many kids when your eldest has autism?














At the end of the day though. I will say in this post that I am strangely grateful for my daughter Bridgette, who just happens to have autism. She is bright, funny, compassionate. I've learned more about loving people unconditionally from her than I could have learned in a lifetime. She is one amazing girl. She's made so much progress in such little time. I sincerely hope that she knows that she can be whatever she wants to be when she grows up, just like any other child. Autism doesn't limit her, but rather other people's perceptions of autism. Never make any assumptions on any child- they all grow and develop differently. Autism even more so. Because autism is the ability to think differently. Without filters. Without judgement. Without any negative conceptions. The differences are sometimes frightening to those who don't understand it, but if looked upon as simply being can be a beautiful thing.

Social Strategies

This is one of those things I for sure wanted to work on with my Bridgette. And we've made slow but good progress.

Before many of her interactions were very one-sided and she had pretty much no ability to answer the simplest question. I think it was a matter of her not understanding that was her chance to say the answer (the pattern of interchange between two people) at times rather than her not knowing the answer (which sometimes I know is the case too). It still is something she needs to work on but it's more that she has to learn to interact better with her peers.

So I'm reviewing some strategies that I found in this book.

* Group social therapy: This works really well. Unfortunately, my insurance (I don't know about others') won't pay for pure group social therapy. So we've found windows by doing group PT/ OT and sometimes I sneak in 2 of my girls getting speech at the same time. It helps to break down the rules of socializing that kids usually learn automatically. Anything abstract (like feelings, thoughts, friendships) should be introduced by visual cues and hands on stuff. For feelings products lessons I highly recommend this:























Source
and Dr Seuss' Many Colored Days.
Friends- I recommend "Since we're friends"

Be sure that any group therapy that the social skills are reinforced at home. I know that practice really helps my Bridgette.

I think the skills that Bridgette has the hardest time with is keeping eye contact and keeping an appropriate distance/ volume.

* Modeling. I know a lot of the social skills she's learned through watching my husband and I. And her sisters. We are generous with praise when she's getting it (even just a bit) because that's what she thrives on.

* Opportunities to play with friends. We make great use of time at the park or in the play room with our friends.

* Social skills games. Use a game board and use cards for questions/ cues you'd like kids to work on. All of my kids love this game. (Like we'll ask her about her favorite subjects; or her favorite shows; who do you know that _______; you are told not to do ____, what should you do?; or _____ needs help because they are sad, what can you do to help?; what should you do if someone teases you). The list of questions/ cues can go on and on.

* Make social stories (we do this a lot when we're going to have big changes and it helps a lot).

* Narrating life. It's fun to hear her say what she's doing and why.

* Learning coping strategies. For my Bridgette the best coping strategies are that she can do deep breathing (like yoga) or she can ask for pressure. We started with her just using her words to say how she feels and why. She's gotten really far with this.

* We're still trying to teach her how to deal with bullying. It hasn't been a big problem so far with her. I think it's because she's confident in herself and knows she's different and embraces it. She knows that she has a better long term memory than other kids. She knows that she just loves people no matter what, and she doesn't get her feelings hurt very easily.

These are just a few of the suggestions. I'm sure there's more out there, but that's what we've tried and what's worked.