Special Needs Parenting

This is kind of a 3-in-1 post..


Rules for Parents of Kids with Special Needs:

1. Take one day at a time. Is one day too long? Take one hour at a time. Don't worry about tomorrow.

2. Never underestimate your child's potential. Encourage them. You are your child's best advocate and cheerleader.

3. Build a support network of positive mentors who can share with you experience, advice and support. Among these are other parents of special needs parents, therapists, doctors. They really are indispensable.

4. Be involved in appropriate educational and learning environments as soon as possible! I know neither of my girls were diagnosed until they were 4.5 years old, but they got services before that. Early services help kids get ahead [or at least not fall so far behind]. I still can't always go in their classes [because I have a little guy at home that still needs my love and attention], but I'm still involved. My girls' teachers have great communication with me. They email me when they have a concern and vice versa. We send each other updates of what we're doing. We compliment each other between what's done at school and done at home, and I think it really helps.

5. Be mindful of the feelings of your spouse and other kids.

6. Answer only to your conscience. You do not need to justify your actions to friends or the public. This is something I wish I learned AGES ago. [Yes, my child is having a giant melt down because of xyz, but I understand that. They are doing typically doing pretty awesome, so lady with the judgmental stare, you can bite me.]

7. Be honest with your feelings. You can't be a super-parent all the time!

8. Be nice to yourself. Don’t focus continually on what still needs to be done. Remember to look at what you’ve already accomplished! There's only so many hours in the day and only so much energy. [I like to try to fight the biggest fire first- which means I go after the area(s) that need the improvement first, but others may find other ways to deal w/ multiple areas that need to be helped.]

9. Appreciate the little things. [Yes it IS a big freaking deal your baby FINALLY rolled over].

10. Keep your sense of humor. I look at it this way. I can either cry about it or laugh about it. It's a LOT more fun to laugh at it.

Things Parents of Typical Developing Kids Should know about [at this this] Special Needs Parent:

1. I'm tired. Parenting kids with special needs is exhausting. I'm never done. Therapy, school work, home work for therapy [which includes speech, occupational therapy, and physical therapy], ABA. We won't even talk about that I still have to just parent them and their siblings.

2. I feel lonely [at times]. I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. What would it be like to have all typically developing kids? Even in the autism community, every kid is different, so what works for one may not work for another. It's frustrating.

3. I'm jealous. See above. I wish I didn't have to go through this. I wish my kids didn't have to go through this. I know there's kids who have it worse and parents whose plates are even fuller, but I'm still jealous of those parents with all typical kids.

4. I'm scared. I constantly ask myself, "what if I'm not doing enough" or "what if I'm not good enough"? I'm terribly scared of failing my children. I worry about their futures and helping them fulfill their full potentials.

5. I'm human. I fall short often in the parenting realm. But the one thing parenting kids with special needs has taught me is to have empathy for those in similar circumstances. I want to help them the best I can. I want to reach out and touch them. I want to reassure every emotion I've felt this far dealing with the reality of having a kid with special needs.

This leads up to my last list...

How to Help a Parent of a Child with Special Needs

1. Talk about your child's personality not their accomplishments. I can't count the number of times that I've cried on the inside while hearing people say what their kids can do that mine can't. It breaks my heart. I feel like a miserable failure. So tell me about their personality: how they are loving, mischievous, a joker, etc.

2. Insist on helping. I may LOOK strong, but really I'm not. And I'm terrible about asking for help because I don't want to make assumptions about others ability to help or to insert myself where I shouldn't. You can always offer to cook meals, clean the house, or watch the kids. Those are ways to insert your help. Trust me, it's needed. On a side note, parenting special needs kids is more stressful than parenting typical kids, so offer a date night to your friends. It just may help out their marriage!

3. Give me some grace. I have bad days, weeks, moments...

4. Stop complaining about your kids. I know they can be ill-behaved or be mean, but believe or not some parents would give their eye-teeth for experiences like that because it would mean they could DO something. SAY something.

5. Ask how I'm doing. People may ask about my kids, but it would also be nice if occasionally they asked how I'm doing in this role as a special needs parent. I don't often feel I can talk about how hard it can be, or how I'm tired, or how I had a good day or bad day. A sincere "How are you doing handling everything?" once in a while, and readiness to hear an honest answer is all I need to feel like someone cares. Alternatively, sometimes it's just good to talk about other stuff... so please go with it if I do.

6. Pamper me. It's hard for a special needs parent to rationalize doing for themselves. At least it's hard for me to.

7. See my children how I see them. Observe them in love.

8. Support my cause. To love and hep kids with special needs. Be an advocate when you see someone being unkind. Teach your children to lovingly accept kids who are a little different. This really does my heart good.